U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
