Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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