why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
