genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
