Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
