I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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