the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
