Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
not ubering you a puppy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
