he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
