please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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