dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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