can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
