can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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