Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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