I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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