if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
