she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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