Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
