You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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