oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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