Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
