Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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