Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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