i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
