I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
