Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
