Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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