According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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