I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
