just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She needs sedatives and a leash
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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