We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
