Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
