it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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