Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
