The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
