You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
