sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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