The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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