sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think i got beer on your cat.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
