Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize