ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm experimenting with sincerity
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
