Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize