peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
