Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
