A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
