I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
