Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
