pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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