sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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