the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
