In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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