I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
