If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
