awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
