Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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