Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize