sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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