woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
