I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
