first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
