Yo dont text me then not text me
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize