She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
