I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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