Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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